Weird Job Opportunity!!

July 3, 2016

San Diego, CA

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Actual screen shot of the job posting

Since retiring from my career as a commercial photographer, and then retiring from my next career as a personal trainer, I frequently peruse Craigs List looking for other jobs from which I might one day retire.

This one definitely caught my eye. It had “AMAZING OPPORTUNITY” written all over it!

Drive my dog and I around

Ok so I guess I should explain. I know there are dog walkers.

I can walk my own dog.

I do not drive, and he LOVES car rides

compensation $20

I would have jumped all over this, except that the job is in Oceanside, and that’s just too far away from where I live. All that driving would’ve eaten into my profits.

But, had this job opening been in my ‘hood, I’d be doin’ it, baby! I love dogs, and I have a car, and I’m cool with having dogs in my car. I’m sure I could have come up with a very professional looking resume to show off all of these qualifications and then some (my car is clean, my car stereo is pretty good, I never speed, I always come to a complete stop at stop signs, I always keep a doggie water bowl in my car).

I’m pretty sure this is legit. I mean, you just can’t make up stuff like this, right? Unless “Drive my dog and I around” is code for something else….hmmm……

Mystery Of The Mentally Ill Musician

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Me and my banjo

June 19, 2016

San Diego, CA

I got this email today, asking me to join a new Meet-Up group that’s forming in my area. It started with:

“I would like to start a Meet-Up group for mentally ill individuals who enjoy music and play an instrument.”

Well, I am a musician, and the thoughts that immediately ran through my brain, in this order, were:

#1. This is a joke, perpetrated by one of my funny musician friends. This is funny!

#2. This is not a joke, but rather, it’s someone asking me to help run a group that will help mentally ill individuals. I would love to help out this great cause!

#3. OMG…someone sent this to me because they think I’m mentally ill! WTF? 

Now, I’m not making fun of mental illness here, so please, no lectures or hate mail. I’m just sayin’, why would I be on the receiving end of that email?

Why does someone think I’m mentally ill?  Is it because I started playing the banjo?

As far as I know, I do not, nor have I ever, suffered from mental illness. Not that there’s anything wrong with that! And not saying that I won’t, someday, acquire a mental illness. Shit happens.

In the meantime, I deleted the email. If they resend the invite, maybe I’ll go check it out.

File this one under, “Things that make you go, hmmmm.”

Run For Your Lives! This City’s Not Safe!

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High tech gun removal?

A few weeks ago, I was walking my dogs around the ‘hood, when I came across a sign that scared the crap out of me. The city had put up one little sign on my block to warn residents that they were working on a high tech gun removal program. And they were courteous enough to also warn that this would entail loud blasting. Holy S***!!!!

I know my neighborhood’s got some “issues.” But WTF??? I glanced up and down the surrounding sidewalks and streets, expecting to see a whole fleet of police cars or something, but there was nothing. Nobody. Nowhere. WTF was going on?! And what were they going to blast? Danger, Will Robinson. DANGER!!!!

Sadness crept over me, as I pondered the decay of our society. And naturally, I wondered what kind of high tech guns had been spotted in my community. This was scary shit.

Right then and there, I decided that I was freakin’ tired, TIRED of city living. It’s just not safe.

And then, suddenly, a loud roaring noise erupted at the far end of the block. Huh??? And then I re-read the sign.

Oh….gum removal…not gun removal. And the blasting that they warned of…nothing more than high tech power washers. Ahem…never mind. 

The Latest, Greatest, Newfangled Diet Device

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The Cook’s Muzzle

May 9, 2016

San Diego, CA

Introducing…The Cook’s Muzzle. I invented this device last week, when I realized that I consume about a zillion calories, while I’m cooking dinner.

I always seem to start cooking about an hour too late, when I’m way past the point of making rational decisions about anything. And before you know it, I’m eating anything and everything in sight.

And so, I invented this simple device, which you wear while you’re cooking. It makes it impossible to consume unauthorized food products.

See!!! It's impossible to eat while wearing The Cook's Muzzle. No food is getting in here!

See!!! It’s impossible to eat while wearing The Cook’s Muzzle. No food is getting in here!

The Cook’s Muzzle isn’t just for cooking dinner either. You can wear it to prevent mindless gorging anytime you’re around food. My personal favorite….wearing it to parties where they’ll be lots of cakes and cookies. It’s also quite the conversation starter, except that you can’t really conversate while you’re wearing it. But, whatever! I assure you…you will meet interesting people nonetheless.

Wash, Dry, Ride, Repeat…My Hair, part 2

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Selfie. Me and my hair. May 5, 2016

San Diego, CA

May 5, 2016

So, I tried it again today…washed my hair, dried it, then followed up with a 15 minute scooter ride (with motorcycle helmet). And yes…it worked again!!! My hair was stunning!

I’ve found the perfect balance of the blow dryer poofing out my hair, with the motorcycle helmet flattening it back down. Good bye bad hair days!! And you thought motorcycle helmet laws were for safety!!! NOT! I now think that those helmet laws were carefully crafted by Vidal Sassoon himself!

I’m envisioning a big chain of hair salons where women get their hair done, then they sit on stationery scooters while wearing helmets. If that doesn’t work out, then I have another idea where women get their hair washed and cut, then they get driven around the block for 15 minutes, while they stick their heads out the window (like doggies do), resulting in the perfect blow dry style. Coming to a town near you……

Enough About You, Let’s Talk About Me and My Hair

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As a matter of fact, I do indeed own a hair dryer!

San Diego, CA

May 4, 2016

You probably don’t know this about me, but I’m obsessed with my hair. You wouldn’t know it by looking at me, ‘cause I’ve mastered the “Don’t Give a Crap About My Hair” hairstyle.

In other words, it usually looks like it’s “growing out.” Growing out from what, I’m not sure. You know the look. And I’d like you to believe that I just don’t care. But in fact, I do care. I’m just not willing to do anything about it….until yesterday.

My usual hair routine is this…maybe wash my hair, and then let it air dry. But yesterday…yesterday was special.

Yesterday I had a lunch meeting. And so I washed my hair, and then I dried it with a hair dryer. And then I put on my motorcycle helmet, and rode my scooter to my lunch meeting.

All in all, I’d say I had my motorcycle helmet on for about 15 minutes. When I arrived at my destination, took my helmet off, and caught a glimpse of myself in a nearby window reflection…OMG….my hair looked awesome!! It was like something out of a magazine, like an ad for Pantene or some other luxurious shampoo!!! I couldn’t stop touching it and swinging it around, like they do in all those shampoo commercials (almost tweaked my neck). It was, well, spectacular!

So you know what I’m thinking, right? This is my new hair routine…wash, dry, ride. I know, it takes some time, what with the 15 minute scooter ride and all, but my hair looked really really good, so I think it might be worth the time investment.

Wash, Dry, Ride, Repeat…………

Very Random Thought of The Day

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Scrabble!!!!

I was thinking about Scrabble, the board game. And then I started wondering how the hell German speaking people can play Scrabble. German words are soooooooooooo long.

Check this word out, “Rechtsschutzversicherungsgesellschaften.”

Or how ’bout this one, Freundschaftsbezeigungen.” 

I’m not making this shit up. These are real German words!

The official rules of Scrabble dictate that each player takes 7 letters to start the game. I’m guessing there are hardly even any German words that only have 7 letters in them. WTF? And then, with, let’s say, the average German word being about 20 letters long, you’d need to be playing on one hell of a gigantic over-sized board. I’m just not grasping how it’s possible.

Spending the rest of the day trying to wrap my brain around this.