The Latest, Greatest, Newfangled Diet Device


The Cook’s Muzzle

May 9, 2016

San Diego, CA

Introducing…The Cook’s Muzzle. I invented this device last week, when I realized that I consume about a zillion calories, while I’m cooking dinner.

I always seem to start cooking about an hour too late, when I’m way past the point of making rational decisions about anything. And before you know it, I’m eating anything and everything in sight.

And so, I invented this simple device, which you wear while you’re cooking. It makes it impossible to consume unauthorized food products.

See!!! It's impossible to eat while wearing The Cook's Muzzle. No food is getting in here!

See!!! It’s impossible to eat while wearing The Cook’s Muzzle. No food is getting in here!

The Cook’s Muzzle isn’t just for cooking dinner either. You can wear it to prevent mindless gorging anytime you’re around food. My personal favorite….wearing it to parties where they’ll be lots of cakes and cookies. It’s also quite the conversation starter, except that you can’t really conversate while you’re wearing it. But, whatever! I assure you…you will meet interesting people nonetheless.


My Genetic History of Crappy Cooking



My mom was a terrible cook. And I’m pretty sure I’m missing the cooking gene. I know for a fact that I’m missing the cleaning-up-after-cooking gene, and I think those usually come as a genetic pair.

I was cooking chicken last night. I set the oven temp to 395 degrees.

WHY 395 degrees?? Why not 400 degrees? What’s with that? Who did that? Who told us to do that? Why would they tell us to cook at 395 and not at 400? What’s the difference?

Why am I doing it just because someone told me to do it? Am I not an independent thinker? Do I not have a brain of my own? If I did, surely I’d set the temperature to an even 400 degrees. I just don’t see the point of going all the way to 395 and not going the extra 5.

Makes no sense. And yet, I do it. And I’ll continue to do it. I fear that, if I go the full 400, my chicken will turn out to be a scorched, dried-out mess. Oh wait, it usually is anyway.

So, what the hell is it with those extra 5 degrees?