Some Bad-Ass, New School, New Fangled, Camping Rules

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How long has it been since you’ve been camping? Well, things have changed over the years, baby! So if it’s been a while, you should really read up on the latest rules and etiquette. Ya know, so you don’t get yourself in trouble.

What?? You didn’t know there were rules and etiquette to follow? Then this post should be right up your alley!!

After reading, if you have any rules to add, please feel free to add them in the “Comments” section.

Please enjoy this guest post, written by Jason C. Smeed. Thank you, Jason, for writing one hilarious guide to camping!

iCamp’s 20 Rules for Camping     by Jason C. Smeed

1.Children playing, speed limit is 5 mph so please try to stay under 50mph (75 max), unless you are in a hurry then drive as fast as you please.

2. If it burns, it goes in the fire pit. Everything else goes in the dumpster at a cost of $5.00 per bag, however you should first attempt to burn it, use gasoline as needed. You’ll find most everything will burn if thoroughly saturated with gasoline.

3. Fire pits can be vented directly into your neighbor’s camper as long as you warn them to turn on their exhaust fans before lighting a fire or remember to warn them when they begin to cough and before you hear bodies falling to the floor.

4. ALWAYS clean up after your pets, unless you are (a.) afraid to touch poop, (b.) too good to touch poop (c.) just don’t feel like bending over. Then it is okay to leave it for a child to step in.

5.No more than 2 folding chairs per site, multiplied by the number of sites at the Campground, because you never know when you might get company.

6. Kill any wildlife that wanders onto your site.

7. Bait wildlife onto your site with food, left out at all times, so you always have something to shoot at.

8. All outdoor appliances should match or at the bare minimum be complimentary colors (i.e. golden harvest & avocado green)

9. Quiet time is from 10PM to 8AM unless (a.) you are drunk and in the mood to hear some Bocephus (b.) need to chop firewood for the following day (c) you need to kill wildlife that you baited onto your site.

10. Junk cars should be parked on your own site, unless they are in your way, then feel free to park them on your neighbor’s site.

11. No nails or hooks allowed in trees, unless your “Redneck Heaven” sign or Christmas in July lights require nails or hooks then by all means go ahead. American flag mounts may also be screwed into trees as patriotism trumps botany.

12. All campers should leave at least one walking path thru the trash located on their site, unless they (a) can walk on their neighbors site to get into their camper (b) are skilled climbers.

13. Please keep large pets i.e. lions, tigers and bears on leashes at all times (unless they want to play with the other camper’s children)

14. No fences allowed on camp sites, unless (a.) you don’t want to look at your neighbor’s sewer hose (b.) you don’t want to follow this rule.

15. No campfires under trees unless there happen to be trees above your fire pit.

16. Campfires should never be left unattended unless (a.) your neighbors irritate you (b.) you need to make a beer run (c.) you’re going somewhere but might want to burn more trash when you return in 3 hours.

17. Please do not store propane in propane cylinders, it may inhibit your neighbor’s ability to build large, unattended bonfires.

18. Use of tarps as furniture covers is not permitted unless you wad it up under your camper while you are camping and you want to use tarps as a furniture covers.

19. No storage sheds allowed on campsites. However you may store enough belongings to survive no more than two zombie apocalypses under tarps anywhere on your site, just so it doesn’t (a.) extend more than two feet onto your neighbor’s site (b.) interfere with their ability to burn their trash or (c.) inhibit their ability to kill wildlife feeding off of food from your outdoor refrigerator.

20. No open display of alcoholic beverages, unless you (a.) are over 21 and want to walk around drinking (b.) are under 21 and want to do the same (c.) plan to use the empty bottles to make “redneck wind chimes”.

6 thoughts on “Some Bad-Ass, New School, New Fangled, Camping Rules

  1. Kevin R. says:

    Use of generators is prohibited, unless, of course there are multiple families nearby that are all out camping for the 1st time with their children, in which case it is your duty to expose them to the variety of noises and smells that ‘nature’ has to offer. Use of the generator for prolonged periods is permitted (4+ hours) because by a certain point the roar simply becomes background noise to the other campers.

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